I'm currently on the watch from 5pm-6am. It's only 10:32pm, and I am already tired. We don't have a coffee maker, so it's going to be instant coffee into a water bottle. Straight out of the MRE bag. Nothing wrong with that.
What's that? You don't know what duty is? Allow me to enlighten you!!!!! I essentially am responsible for about one acre of asphalt with government equipment on it. There are also a handful of people who sleep here, and they feel better having me as "Paul Blart- Mall Cop." Essentially, that is what I am. A mall cop. I have no equipment an MP would normally carry, like a gun. Or a baton. Or a taser. Or OC Spray. I only have a pre-paid cell phone to call the navy force protection guy if need be. But don't worry, we have parking cones out there. It's handled!
I'm here with some drunk guys, and they're talking about some funny stuff. Sex changes, rum, and we're looking at the Men's Heath sex positions, talking about the ones we love to do with our ladies (or gentlemen.... Whatever). BTW Mrs. Brown, that last one we did was called "The Sleeper Hold."
So, here's something I didn't have time to talk about the other night. I am on "liberty risk" restriction. Essentially, I got grounded by the navy because they didn't like Army guys being responsible. The navy has this thing where they make personnel sign out with a "liberty buddy." When you sign out with a buddy, you have to come back with that same person by curfew. So my LB (liberty buddy) and I were out last Saturday in Samoa. We were drinking beers, and my boy didn't feel like staying because he was getting too drunk. I wanted to stay, cause we were having fun with new friends. Our people from the Air Force, Navy, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand were all there. Who would want to go back? Not this idiot! So, he went back to the ship, and I stayed. Then I went back by curfew, and signed in. Well... The navy got their feelings hurt because we didn't sign in together. As a result, we were treated like the preschoolers we obviously are. We were not allowed off the ship the next day.
Now we can only take liberty with a "sponsor (what is this, AA?!?!)" of a rank higher than us. We can only stay out until 6pm, and no booze. Unreal.
So, the moral of the story is- the navy is stupid. Very, very stupid. There are many navy things that make no sense in the navy, and I still cannot grasp the stupidity of the Navy.
In other news- I have been eating nothing but MREs for the last 5 meals. They are kinda killing my intestines.
I had to use a port o shitter today. It was a throwback to the Brown Bomber days. Oh my stars. At least I didn't make a big mess.
I just heard a guy said, "I'm balling out of control." I love these drunks.
New word of the military- "ratfuck." The meaning of this word is when an individual gets into an MRE bag, takes the good stuff out, and leaves what they don't want. Then the next person who picks up the MRE is left with the undesirable items, with no redeeming food articles to cherish.
To use it in a sentence- "Man, some dumb dick motherfucker ratfucked this MRE. They grabbed the candy AND the snack. They left me with the motherfucking wheat bread, the motherfucking cheese spread, and the fucking gum pack. Are you fucking serious!? They even took the spoon. They ratfucked the hell out of this motherfucker. I'll kill a ratfucking motherfucker."
"Ratfuck."
Also- my wife often tells me about she calls "Ally McBeal moments." These are the times when she has thoughts of physically silencing stupid people in various ways. I have been having more and more of those recently.
What'd you say? You want to see some of those whack ass pictures I took today? Okay. Here goes.
This picture will be submitted to 417 magazine to be printed. This is the Tongan base we are sleeping at. Beautiful.
This is the site of CrossFit Tonga for me yesterday.
I think I posted that yesterday. Whatever. I did yoga there this morning. Then I worked out behind the barracks. There were two kettle bells sitting out, and a pallet of MREs. I did this workout-
20 box push-ups (feet on a pallet of MREs)
30 one arm KB swings
30 KB clean and jerks
30 KB shrugs
KB farmers carry for an unknown distance
3 rounds
I just referred to the Gotye album as "80's as fuck." Just an FYI.
This is where went to see the ocean today. Amazing.
I may have snorkeled in this today. I saw beautiful fish. They were scared. Then a piece of seaweed touched my arm. I freaked out. I'm such a sissy.
Tongan military dress uniform inspection.
The ceremony.
An Aussie, a Canadian, and a kiwi walk into a Tongan ceremony...
About to serve Kava.
Jason hitting that Kava as Carly's mouth is going numb.
Molly hitting that Kava. She looks slightly apprehensive.
The dancers grease themselves up so that satisfied ceremony goers can put money on their bodies, and have it stick.
A satisfied customer... It's like c-folds!
Very slow and methodical dancing.
Very quick dancing from the men. They also wear anklets that are similar to maracas, making a lot of noise when they dance.
Last night I played a game with the drunks while they waited for their ride. I told over two hundred people the first person to sing the theme song from "saved by the bell" would get a free beer from me. Two people started singing, and one was bullshitting the words. But one was a true champion! She knew the words. I thought everyone knows the words to that song.
Well- I guess that about does it for me. Although there is one more thing I want to add:
If you have any questions or comments, shoot em' on over to
dane-brown@hotmail.com
I think it'd be funny to have a feedback blog. But if it never happens, it's because no one ever emailed me...
I'm out. Take care.
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